kill yourself.

I was sitting here thinking about how I would write a suicide note if I were to decide to really kill myself right this minute. I think it would go something like this..

To Whom It May Concern:
I realize that this may be upsetting at the moment, but I think in time, after all the crying is over, and the debts are paid off, you will realize it was for the best.
I am sad. I am sad all the time and it is making me into a bad wife and mother.
Ava needs a mom that can play with her and teach her, and give her all the love she needs. I cannot do that.
I can't please you, Brandon, in all the ways I should. I am never in the right mindset to sleep with you, and I eat so much all the time that I don't see why you would want to sleep with a piggy like me. I don't cook. I don't clean. I know you have needs. When you're ready, I want you to know that I am ok with you moving on and finding someone that can take care of you the way you should be taken care of.
Ava, I am sorry. Mommy loves you and this is not your fault.
Josh, Jesse I love you. You are the best. I'm sorry.
Mom, you're the best mom in the whole world. I am lucky to have you.
I'm sorry about the mess.
Love you,
Crystal Dawn Devine.

panicky...

I have me surgery tomorrow and even though it's minor, I am freaking out.. I think I'm mostly scared of the anesthesia which is silly, but every time I have to go under, it's freaks me out.. I am convinced that something is going to go wrong and I'll be awake during the procedure or I won't wake back up at all.. It REALLY FREAKS ME OUT. I just need to get this over with. I hope they find what they are looking for though so I can feel better and do all the things I want to do. Like work out, I'm getting freaking fatter. I would also I like to have sex with my husband without regretting it for days afterwards. That's no fun and I think it makes him feel bad which makes me feel bad and it's just stupid. I just need to think about that rather than the anesthesia. Yes. I feel a little better now.

obsession

you're all i think about.
i can't get enough.
you make me sick.
(i make me sick.)
love..
everything in my world
is messed up.
i'll always have you
to run to.
(whether i want you or not.)
you're always in my head.
i can't get rid of you.
it's a beautiful thing.
my drug of choice.
i'm sorry, family.
i should have warned you
what you were dealing with.

What I'm going to eat.

MAXIMUM CALORIES: 1500 (recommended 2748)
One pound of fat is 3500 calories.
MAXIMUM FAT: 50 grams
Vitamin Goal:

• Protien: 46 grams
• Vitamin A 2664 IU (1)
• Vitamin D3 400 IU (2)
• Vitamin E 8mcg alpha-TE (3)
• Vitamin K 60 mcg
• Vitamin C 60mg
• Thiamin 1.1 mg
• Riboflavin 1.3 mg
• Niacin 15 mg NE (4)
• Vitamin B6 1.6 mg
• Folate 180 mcg
• Vitamin B12 2 mcg
  
  Minerals
• Calcium 1200 mg
• Phosphorus 1200 mg
• Magnesium 280 mg
• Iron 15 mg
• Zinc 12 mg

NOTES:(1) 3.33 IU = 1 mcg of retinol = 1 RE or 6 mcg beta-carotene.(2) 400 IU of vitamin D = 10 mcg cholecalciferol.(3) 1 alpha-TE = 1 mg of d-alpha-tocopherol = 1.49 IU.(4) 1 NE = 1 mg of niacin or 60 mg of dietary tryptophan.g = grammg = milligrammcg = microgramIU = international unitNE = niacin equivalentRE = retinol equivalentTE = tocopherol equivalent

over and over

This picture scares me so bad. This is pretty much what I look like when I eat. I hate it. It kills me everytime I look in the mirror. I want to get lab-band surgery so bad.

I seem to be having a lot of issues since the doctor put me on the progesterone. I'm glad today's my last day taking it. On the other hand, I'm not looking for what's to come in the next couple days. THE PERIOD FROM HELL. That's how the doctor described it. It's supposed to be the worst period I've EVER had. Awesome, right? I honestly doubt this is even going to help my pain.

So I was online today because, I've been having such extreme emotions that I've always had so I can't blame it on the hormone. I go through these everyday...

• I am extremely scared of being abandoned. I feel that everyone is trying to get rid of me all the time.
• I change the way I feels about myself everyother day pretty much. Usually I pretty much hate the way I look, but some days I am thehottest person alive. That's all in my head though.
• I do not feel connected with myself AT ALL. I know that doesn't make sense when I type it out, but it makes sense in my head.
• I have very impulsive behavior. I spend money before thinking about bills and food. I will eat way too much then freak out and vomit. I really try not to do that for Brandon, but I have a very hard time with it.
• I go through phases where I give myself bruises because, I freak out. Not about normal things that go under the 'freak out' catergory, but everything. My teeth aren't clean enough... the shower curtain's on the wrong side... I had a burnt french fry... really stupid things.
• I am normally a pretty laid back, but sometimes I have these times when I go crazy bitch. I can't handle my life. I throw things. I scream. I avoid everyone. Then, shortly after, I a, back to my old self. People never know if they're going to say something wrong and set me off. I'm a freaking rollercoaster that has way to many dips. It's like contractions. Or I will be completely forget hours of days. This has been happening a lot more lately.
• I feel empty. I feel like there's something missing. Like everything in my chest. I hurts sometimes.
• I am extremely scared. I'm still not sure what I am scared of yet, but it really really scares me. I can't sleep and I cry because, I know that it's in my apartment. It's after me and after everyone I care for. Specifically Ava. If it can't get to me, it watches her. I can't sleep unless I have Brandon protecting me.

I need to figure this out. I can't keep living like this.

On a lighter note... It's snowing here. It's so beautiful. I guess the roads are absolutely terrible though. Brandon just called and said he's terrified and he's not even half way home right now. I hatehis stupid work. They wouldn't let anyone who worked hourly work today because of the weather, but made all the salary workers work and now he can barely get home. Selfish idiots. Anyways, I talked to Darci shortyly before I talked to Brandon and she said it was absolutely terrible to drive up on the hill. She was scared too. We live downtown and Iit looks bad here, so I can only imagine South Hill. It's still really pretty though. I love it.

freaking boobs.

My boobs are hurting really bad today. A l0t more than usual. I could'nt wear any of my bras today because, they hurt me and I think they're swollen because, nothing fit. I had to go buy one of those tank tops with the padding over the boobs so I could go to work without basically flashing everyone in there.. I just don't know what to do. I have an appointment on Tuesday, but I doubt they're going to be able to do anything. All they've been doing is doping me up. That isn't even working. It's just making me really sleepy. I'm so frustrated. It's making me so grumpy and I cry at the drop of a dime now. I hope they figure out what the hell is going on. I hate this.

World Tour

So I'm glad my blog isn't considered spammy now.. that's nice.
Webough Guitar Hero World Tour. It's the best, but we fucked up. We just bought the game assuming we could get the drums later. I can't find drums anywhere. I may just have to end up buying the whole set and maybe sellingthe game on craigslist or something. I don't know what I'm going to do. It's annoying though.