obsession

you're all i think about.
i can't get enough.
you make me sick.
(i make me sick.)
love..
everything in my world
is messed up.
i'll always have you
to run to.
(whether i want you or not.)
you're always in my head.
i can't get rid of you.
it's a beautiful thing.
my drug of choice.
i'm sorry, family.
i should have warned you
what you were dealing with.

What I'm going to eat.

MAXIMUM CALORIES: 1500 (recommended 2748)
One pound of fat is 3500 calories.
MAXIMUM FAT: 50 grams
Vitamin Goal:

• Protien: 46 grams
• Vitamin A 2664 IU (1)
• Vitamin D3 400 IU (2)
• Vitamin E 8mcg alpha-TE (3)
• Vitamin K 60 mcg
• Vitamin C 60mg
• Thiamin 1.1 mg
• Riboflavin 1.3 mg
• Niacin 15 mg NE (4)
• Vitamin B6 1.6 mg
• Folate 180 mcg
• Vitamin B12 2 mcg
  
  Minerals
• Calcium 1200 mg
• Phosphorus 1200 mg
• Magnesium 280 mg
• Iron 15 mg
• Zinc 12 mg

NOTES:(1) 3.33 IU = 1 mcg of retinol = 1 RE or 6 mcg beta-carotene.(2) 400 IU of vitamin D = 10 mcg cholecalciferol.(3) 1 alpha-TE = 1 mg of d-alpha-tocopherol = 1.49 IU.(4) 1 NE = 1 mg of niacin or 60 mg of dietary tryptophan.g = grammg = milligrammcg = microgramIU = international unitNE = niacin equivalentRE = retinol equivalentTE = tocopherol equivalent

over and over

This picture scares me so bad. This is pretty much what I look like when I eat. I hate it. It kills me everytime I look in the mirror. I want to get lab-band surgery so bad.

I seem to be having a lot of issues since the doctor put me on the progesterone. I'm glad today's my last day taking it. On the other hand, I'm not looking for what's to come in the next couple days. THE PERIOD FROM HELL. That's how the doctor described it. It's supposed to be the worst period I've EVER had. Awesome, right? I honestly doubt this is even going to help my pain.

So I was online today because, I've been having such extreme emotions that I've always had so I can't blame it on the hormone. I go through these everyday...

• I am extremely scared of being abandoned. I feel that everyone is trying to get rid of me all the time.
• I change the way I feels about myself everyother day pretty much. Usually I pretty much hate the way I look, but some days I am thehottest person alive. That's all in my head though.
• I do not feel connected with myself AT ALL. I know that doesn't make sense when I type it out, but it makes sense in my head.
• I have very impulsive behavior. I spend money before thinking about bills and food. I will eat way too much then freak out and vomit. I really try not to do that for Brandon, but I have a very hard time with it.
• I go through phases where I give myself bruises because, I freak out. Not about normal things that go under the 'freak out' catergory, but everything. My teeth aren't clean enough... the shower curtain's on the wrong side... I had a burnt french fry... really stupid things.
• I am normally a pretty laid back, but sometimes I have these times when I go crazy bitch. I can't handle my life. I throw things. I scream. I avoid everyone. Then, shortly after, I a, back to my old self. People never know if they're going to say something wrong and set me off. I'm a freaking rollercoaster that has way to many dips. It's like contractions. Or I will be completely forget hours of days. This has been happening a lot more lately.
• I feel empty. I feel like there's something missing. Like everything in my chest. I hurts sometimes.
• I am extremely scared. I'm still not sure what I am scared of yet, but it really really scares me. I can't sleep and I cry because, I know that it's in my apartment. It's after me and after everyone I care for. Specifically Ava. If it can't get to me, it watches her. I can't sleep unless I have Brandon protecting me.

I need to figure this out. I can't keep living like this.

On a lighter note... It's snowing here. It's so beautiful. I guess the roads are absolutely terrible though. Brandon just called and said he's terrified and he's not even half way home right now. I hatehis stupid work. They wouldn't let anyone who worked hourly work today because of the weather, but made all the salary workers work and now he can barely get home. Selfish idiots. Anyways, I talked to Darci shortyly before I talked to Brandon and she said it was absolutely terrible to drive up on the hill. She was scared too. We live downtown and Iit looks bad here, so I can only imagine South Hill. It's still really pretty though. I love it.

freaking boobs.

My boobs are hurting really bad today. A l0t more than usual. I could'nt wear any of my bras today because, they hurt me and I think they're swollen because, nothing fit. I had to go buy one of those tank tops with the padding over the boobs so I could go to work without basically flashing everyone in there.. I just don't know what to do. I have an appointment on Tuesday, but I doubt they're going to be able to do anything. All they've been doing is doping me up. That isn't even working. It's just making me really sleepy. I'm so frustrated. It's making me so grumpy and I cry at the drop of a dime now. I hope they figure out what the hell is going on. I hate this.

World Tour

So I'm glad my blog isn't considered spammy now.. that's nice.
Webough Guitar Hero World Tour. It's the best, but we fucked up. We just bought the game assuming we could get the drums later. I can't find drums anywhere. I may just have to end up buying the whole set and maybe sellingthe game on craigslist or something. I don't know what I'm going to do. It's annoying though.

weird...

Spam blog???
weird...
I'm having a terrible day.

torn..

Somebody that I let go a little while ago wrote me today asking me to talk to her. I wrote her back asking, pretty much, "why even try?" We never talk. We never have time for eachother. We are into completely different things. We are on completely different walks in life. I know we will NEVER be close again, but at the same time, I want to keep people atleast in my life. What if I need a ride or something? haha.. but seriously... I tried to say no, but I wasn't expecting her to come back saying that I'm a huge part in her life and she NEEDS me there. She obviously has been doing just fine the passed couple months... I guess I just don't understand.

Twilight Movie

I think I need to go see Twilight again. I need to make sure that it really did suck as much as I remember it sucking. It seemed like one of those movies like Scary Movie or Date Movie mixed with a poorly thought out independent film. Kirsten Stewert was boring. She seemed out of it the whole entire movie. Her and Robert Pattison did not have good chemistry. You could tell their 'love' was acting. (or lack there of) I'm so disappointed. Which is why I have to go see it again. Maybe I'll like it the second time around.

"I want my wife back"

I DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE EXACTLY HOW YOU WERE BEFORE.. THINK AGAIN. JUST BECAUSE I DECIDED TO HAVE A FRIEND OUTSIDE OF MY HUSBAND AND MY BABY DOESN'T MEAN I WENT ANYWHERE.

I don't think you should have put that on myspace. That's our business.

5 Bite Diet.

I was up this morning around like 8:30 and there was a show on called M&J.. I've never seen it because, I'm usually asleep at that time. Anyways, there was this doctor on there that wrote a book called the 5 Bite Diet. I think it's genius. The hosts did not. Neither did the dietitian. I thought there was going to be a war. They didn't like it because, it's a restrictive diet which can lead to anorexia. You can eat whatever you want though. You skip breakfast, have 5 bites of whatever you want for lunch, and 5 bites of whatever you want for dinner. WHATEVER YOU WANT. I could eat like 5 bites of cake everyday. There were a lot of people on there that lost a lot of weight. They said it's comparable to the diet you're on after gastric by-pass surgery or lap-band. I want lap-band done, but Brandon doesn't want me to. So maybe I could try this first. It's not like it can give me any worse eating issues than I already have.. I need to decide when I'm going to start though. I was thinking on Sunday because, I work Sunday and Monday. It's easier to not stuff my face when I'm at work. Plus, the first 2 days are supposed to be the hardest. It's going to be glorious.

FRENCH FRIES!

Ava was so funny today. She was making herself laugh. It was freaking hilarious. She said she was hungry so I asked what she wanted to eat.. she wanted french fries. We don't have any french fries. So she kept asking for them because, she knew we didn't have them. It got to the point where she couldn't even get the words out of her mouth because, she was laughing so hard. It was absolutely amazing.

Endometriosis

My ultrasound came back with nothing on it. Everything looked healthy. Now I have to go get checked to see if I have endometriosis I guess because, I have a lot of the symptoms of it. I hope they figure it out because, I'm either in pain or I'm dopey.
Yesterday, I woke up crying because, I was in so much pain and I was bleeding an unnatural amount of blood. They got me into the doctor as soon as they could and all they did was give me a shot in the booty for pain. Kristy had to drive down here from Tacoma to drive me and she stayed with me until actually just a little bit ago. I honestly was scared to go to sleep last night because, I thought I was going to die. I'm staying at my mom's tonight since Brandon's not home. I don't want to stay here by myself.

AntiChrist.

He scares me. I am now convinced that Rahm Emanuel is the antichrist. Things just add up that way. My husband now thinks I am a complete phsyco, but I don't care. The end of the world scares the crap out of me. Microchips and the rapture and all that. I don't want the end to come. I love my life. I want it to continue.

So Sleepy

Went to my ultrasound today. I forgot how much I hate drinking a bunch of water and not being able to pee. I was miserable the entire time. I didn't even button my pants when it was over.. just jumped up and ran to the bathroom. Now we just wait and see. Then bloodwork. Yippee. I'm so tired though. I feel like this whole thing is just exhausting me. It's really hard to deal with Ava and fold the laundry. Ugh. Hopefully not too much longer.

Sleep

I have my ultrasound in a few hours. Ava woke me up super early this morning so instead of going back to bed, I got up so I could have a cup of coffee. I can't have any later because, I can't pee and they said caffeine makes you pee. Which is true because, I go like 100 times after I have like 2 cups. haha.


I was in quite a bit of pain last night. I'm going to take the doctor up on her offer to refill my Vicadin. I said no at first because, I wasn't taking it that often. It was just making me sick, but now, I'd rather be sick than have the pain.


I need to go back to bed now. I can't funtion if I don't have atleast like 10 hours of sleep. I've only had like 7 1/2.

THIS IS ME LACKING SLEEP.

Stupid Zen

So... at the beginning of October, I bought a beautiful pink Creative Zen MP3 Player. Well, at like the end of October, it died. So, I went to WalMart and traded it for a new one. As of right now, I'm ready to throw that stupid thing off the balcony. It's not working. My computer now doesn't recognize it. I keeps shutting off. It's being a piece of shit. That's what it's doing. It's SO STUPID. And I have no clue where my receipt is either. I know I kept it just because, Brandon and I have the worst luck with things like these, but I have absolutely no idea where that stupid thing is. I have another MP3 player sitting on the counter wrapped in that one's receipt waiting to be sent to Best Buy, but now I'm going to be stuck with one that's not working at all.
NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT EVER BUY ANYTHING 'CREATIVE' AGAIN. NO MATTER HOW CUTE IT IS.

Ultrasound Tomorrow.

I got my appointment for my ultrasound tomorrow. It's at 1:20. I'm not excited for them to see my belly. I hate it. I want to get a tummy tuck really bad. That's the first thing I'm buying when we become millionaires.

Stop Knocking

I stayed in bed really late today because, I wasn't feeling well. It was after one in the afternoon before Ava and I were actually up and around. We were in the kitchen making toast and the downstairs nieghbors start POUNDING on my ceiling. Ava was not running around jumping or anything like that. She was wondering around waiting to her toast. I got pissed off and stomped really loud. Come on now.. it's like 1:00. I can't tie a 2 year old to the couch all day. The whole reason they put us where we are is because, the people that live downstairs have something wrong with them. Like they can't live by themselves, but I guess their family didn't want to put them in a home. So the people that are getting mad at a 2 year old are caretakers. They're paid to stay awake and make sure the people that actually live there are safe. They aren't there to sit and enjoy the peace and quiet.
Brandon wanted me to go down there and talk to him, but I have a short fuse. I think that's why he and I work so well together.. he has all the patience in the world. We even eachother out. I guess the apartment manager was going to give them a call though. Hopefully to tell them to chill out.

Doctor, Doctor

I went back to the doctor today. They still don't know what exactly is going on with me. I have to get an ultrasound on my pelvis this week. I hope they don't find anything, but at the same time.. if they did.. they'd know what was wrong and they could fix it, right? We'll see. I'm going to see if Kristy will go with me. Depends on when my appointment is though.
Ava's been talking like crazy lately. The other day, she was so funny. She saw a snowman at the mall and started jumping and laughing. Finally she spit out "AVA IS VERY EXCITED!!! OH MY GOSH!!" I don't think I've laughed that hard in a very, very long time. It was definately on my Top 10 list of funny things.

Fresh Start

This is my fresh start. I had another blog at opendiary.com, but that turned sour. So I am starting fresh. I still have my other one, but this one is going to be a lot more positive. I hope. I'm sure I'll have a few bad days thrown in here though. It's life.